just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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