i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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