dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I want is dick and wine.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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