Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
