I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Everything about him screamed your future.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
