i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
