Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
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I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.