My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
