i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
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Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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