An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
