She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
