After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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