WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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