he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
