Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
