Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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