You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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