How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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