Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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