just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
