why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
