I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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