I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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