Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
