tonight lets celebrate not being married
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
