i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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