fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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