CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
