Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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