I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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