Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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