ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
