just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
