i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
