just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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