I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
