i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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