why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
