I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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