I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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