every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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