Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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