So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
