At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
