if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
