you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
