fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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