I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
operation have a gay friend backfired
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
