the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
