I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
