I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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