Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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