I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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