i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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