hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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